The Great PretenderPosted: March 9, 2011
You know the song, right?
“Oh yes, I’m the great Pretender…Prentending I’m doing well….I play the game but to my real shame, you’ve left me to dream all alone.”
Christian’s are good at pretending. We see something in someone else that we admire, even envy with godly jealousy, but instead of seeking God for it, we pretend we have it.
We pretend we have more of God than we do, we pretend we know God better than we actually do, we pretend we have intimacy with God when we really don’t.
We are Great Pretenders.
How do I know this?
Because I am one.
In my quest to have more of God, to love Him, to know Him, to seek Him, to experience more of Him, I feel the pull to one of my signature sins: create something.
Make something happen. DO something. Pray harder, read more scripture, memorize, sing, fast, talk more about Him. Convince myself that I do have what I want.
But grace is a gift and when I strive and try, I’ve done nothing but hewn my own cisterns and turned away from the Living Water Himself.
I’ve moved myself in the very opposite direction that I desire.
Pretending is a natural outflow. Of course we could be honest and say “I’m an idolator. I’m hewing my own cisterns.”
But somehow it doesn’t sound right: “I’m a missionary and I’m a servant of God and I’m called by God and I’m loved and I’m an idolator.”
So I pretend.
But the truth is that I haven’t arrived and neither has any other human being that lives on earth, no matter how “spiritual” they are.
The truth is that I need my sweet Jesus every moment, and that will never change, and I don’t want it to.
The truth is that I’m sick of being a pretender, even if it is only with myself. Sick of wanting Jesus so badly and then rushing to get Him through dead works instead of trusting grace.
This grace walk is narrow. For one brought up in dead religion, who learned to spiritually dot the i’s and cross the t’s, who even now serves in an environment of performers, it is easy for me to stumble, to revert back to those signature sins of dead works.
Here I find Truth. I find footing for Grace. Again.
Sometimes what a Pretender needs most is to close the book, turn off the computer, shut down the blog posts, quit measuring against everyone else, and drink in Jesus. Because the sad truth is that these things, meant to be blessings that point us to Jesus, can become curses to us that stir up pretending.
Jesus, You know my heart. You know I’m so prone to start in the Spirit and then finish in the flesh. How silly! I’m done pretending. My cisterns are pits of poison and I’m a mess without You. I’ll always need You….and I love it that way.
I wait on You. Thank You for Grace.